Overheard in NY

If you are down and need to laugh a bit, check out Overheard in NY. I could read it all day… Here’s one from today’s batch of things overheard in NYC…

Hang On, Eggs Come from Animals?

Girl #1: Is egg dairy? Is that what they’re discussing?
Girl #2: Are they saying egg is meat?
Girl #1: I think it’s in the meat category.
Girl #2: Nooo.
Girl #1: I’m looking for a pyramid… Eggs are in the meat category, and it comes from an animal.
Girl #2: So does milk, though.
Girl #1: An egg can turn into a meat. Milk cannot.
Girl #2: Okay, I’m not discussing this anymore.

–44th & Broadway

Cheap Sex! Cupcakes! The Guillotine!

Lady: What are you all waiting for?
26th guy in line for iPhone: The new Harry Potter book.
27th guy in line: Shrek 4.
28th guy in line: Free crack. [Lady walks away.]

–AT&T store, Union Square

Especially Since They Had to Keep Pausing to Fight the Dinosaurs

Bimbette #1: … And the pyramids! It’s like, you know, a total miracle! They’re huge! How did they build them without modern day cranes and stuff?
Bimbette #2: Yeah, I know, it’s… mystical! And the same thing with Eiffel Tower. I went to Paris last year, and that thing is just so high! Really, how did they manage to build something like that without equipment?!

–Museum of Natural History

 

 

 

You know you are from Montreal when…

Montreal was the first place I lived in Canada and all my first impressions of this country comes from there. In that sense, it feels very much like my native city in Canada and somehow I always find myself defending Quebec to friends from other parts of Canada….

I related to most of the items on this list:

you pronounce it “Muntreal”, not “Mahntreal”.

you have ever said anything like “I have to stop at the guichet before
we get to the dep.”

your only concern about jaywalking is getting a ticket.

you understand and frequently use terms like ‘unilingual,’ ‘anglophone,’
‘francophone,’ and ‘allophone.’

you agree that Montreal drivers are crazy, but you’re secretly proud of their nerves of steel.

the most exciting thing about the South Shore is that you can turn right on
a red.

you know that the West Island is not a separate geographical formation.

in moments of paranoia, you think that there’s no red line on the Metro
because red is a federalist colour.

you have to bring smoked meat from Schwartz’s and bagels from
St-Viateur if you’re visiting anyone west of Cornwall.

you refer to Tremblant as “up North.”

you know how to pronounce Pie IX.

you have an ancient auntie who still says “Saint Dennis.”

you believe to the depth of your very being that Toronto has no soul –
but your high school reunion is held in Toronto because most of your
classmates live there now.

you greet everyone, from lifelong bosom friends to some one you met
once a few years ago, with a two-cheek kiss.

you know at least one person who works for the CBC, and at least one
other person who used to work for Nortel.

you know what a four-and-a-half is.

you’re not impressed with hardwood floors.

you’ve been hearing Celine Dion jokes longer than anyone else.

you can watch soft-core porn on broadcast TV, and this has been true
for at least 25 years.

you cringe when Bob Cole pronounces French hockey player names.

you get Bowser & Blue.

you were drinking cafe-au-lait before it was latte.

Shopper’s Drug Mart is Pharmaprix and Staples is Bureau en Gros, and
PFK is finger lickin’ good.

you really believe Just For Laughs is an international festival.

for two weeks a year, you are a jazz afficianado.

you need to be reminded by prominent signage that
you should wait for the green light.

everyone on the street – drivers, pedestrians, and cyclists – think
they’re immortal, and that you’ll move first.

you’re proud that Montreal is the home of Pierre Trudeau, Mordechai
Richler, William Shatner, Leonard Cohen and the Great Antonio…

and, you consider Donald Sutherland (and by default, Keifer), Guy
Lafleur, Charlie Biddle, and Roch Carrier Montrealers, too.

you know that Rocket Richard had nothing to do with astrophysics.

you know the apocryphal story of the fat lady at Eaton’s.

you miss apostrophes.

you’ve seen Brother Andre’s heart.

no matter how bilingual you are, you still don’t understand “ile aux tourtes.”

you know the difference between the SQ, the SAQ, and the SAAQ.

you measure temperature and distance in metric, but weight and height in Imperial measure.

you show up at a party at 11 p.m. and no one else is there yet.

April Wine once played your high school (alternatively, Sass Jordon or Gowan).

you know that Montreal is responsible for introducing the following to
North America: bagels, souvlaki, smoked meat and Supertramp. Also, Chris de
Burgh.

you don’t drink pop or soda, you drink soft drinks.

you have graduated from high school and have a degree, but you’ve never
been in grade 12.

the margarine in your fridge is the same colour as lard.

every once in a while, you wonder whatever happened to Luba.

you never thought that Corey Hart was cool, but you know someone whose
cousin or something dated him.

there has to be at least 30 cm of snow on the ground in less than 24
hours for you to consider it too snowy to drive.

you remember where you were during the Ice Storm. [I was there! my first winter in canada!]

you used to be an Expos fan, but now all you really miss is Youppi.

you know that your city’s reputation for beautiful women is based on
centuries-old couplings between French soldiers and royally-commissioned
whores (aka Les Filles du Roi).

you don’t understand anyone from Lac-St-Jean, but you can fake the accent.

you’ve been to the Tam Tams, and know they have nothing to do with wee
Scottish hats.

you discuss potholes like most people discuss weather.

You encounter bilingual homeless people.

While watching an American made-for-TV movie, you realize that “Vienna”
is actually Old Montreal, that “New York” is actually downtown and that the
“The Futuristic City” is actually Habitat ’67.

You find it amusing when people from outside Quebec compliment you on
how good your English is.

You have yet to understand a single announcement made on the Metro PA
system, no matter what the language.

You think of Old Montreal as nothing but a bunch of over-priced
restaurants, old buildings and badly paved streets.

You understand that La Fete Nationale is not a celebration of “Quebec’s birthday”.

You don’t find American comedians speaking “gibberish” French even remotely funny.

You don’t find it weird that there’s a strip club on every corner downtown.

you like your pizza all-dressed

You say Métro instead of subway.

-You only speak English, yet you suddenly realize you have no clue what a “depanneur” (corner store) is called in English

Just a little joke…

*Canadian Temperature Chart*
50° F (10° C)
Californians shiver incontrollably. Canadians plant gardens.

35° F (1.6°C)
Italian Cars won’t start. Canadians drive with the windows down.

32° F (0 °C )
American water freezes. Canadian water gets thicker.

0° F (-17.9°C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-60° F (-51°C)
Mt. St. Helens freezes. Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-100° F (-73°C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadians pull down their ear flaps.

-173° F (-114°C)
Ethyl alcohol Freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can’t thaw the keg.

-460° F (-273°C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops. Canadians start saying “cold, eh?”

-500° Fahrenheit (-295°C)
Hell freezes over. The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.

Improve your English

For lack of anything better to post, here’s a little something to humour your day…

Once again, The Washington Post has published the
winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest,
in which readers are asked to supply alternate
meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight
you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a
flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while
drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which
you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up
after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing
adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his
conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand):
The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto
the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer
shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post’s Style Invitational also asked
readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it
by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and
supply a new definition.

Here are this year’s winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid
people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The
bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of
breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself
for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which
renders the subject financially impotent for an
indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very,very
high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of
sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when
you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is
sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And
then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a
serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting
through the day consuming only things that are good
for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas
to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance
performed just after you’ve accidentally walked
through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito
that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning
and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding
half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who’s both stupid and an
asshole.